Helping children with death and grief

When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help our children cope with the loss, particularly as we work through our own grief. How much children can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases. Here are some tips that will help us to support our children who have experienced the loss of parents, friends, or loved ones:

• Allow children to be the “teachers” about their grief experiences: Give children the opportunity to tell their story and be a good listener.
• Don’t assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings: All children are different and their view of the world is unique and shaped by different experiences.
• Grieving is a process, not an event: Parents and schools need to allow adequate time for each child to grieve in the manner that works for that child. Pressing children to resume “normal” activities without the chance to deal with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions.
• Don’t lie or tell half-truths to children about the tragic event: children are often bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help the child through the healing process or help develop effective coping strategies for life’s future tragedies or losses.
• Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death: give the child information at the level that he/she can understand. Loss and death are both part of the cycle of life that children need to understand.
• Encourage children to ask questions about loss and death: adults need to be less anxious about not knowing all the answers. Treat questions with respect and a willingness to help the child find his or her own answers.
• Don’t assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way: we all grieve in different ways and there is no one “correct” way for people to move through the grieving process.
• Let children know that you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need: Sometimes children are upset but they cannot tell you what will be helpful. Giving them the time and encouragement to share their feelings with you may enable them to sort out their feelings.
• Children will need long-lasting support: The more losses the child or adolescent suffers, the more difficult it will be to recover. This is especially true if they have lost a parent who was their major source of support. Try to develop multiple supports for children who suffer significant losses.
• Keep in mind that grief work is hard: it is hard work for adults and hard for children as well.
• Be aware of your own need to grieve: focusing on the children in your care is important, but not at the expense of your emotional needs. Adults who have lost a loved one will be far more able to help children work through their grief if they get help themselves. For some families, it may be important to seek family grief counseling, as well as individual sources of support.

Deborah Delapenha-Simmonds
Grief Counselor at the
Delapenhas Funeral Services Ltd.
39 Top Road, Browns Town, St. Ann
975-2406/975-2063
Office and Showroom Exchange Road, Ocho Rios
974-7764